The night before Halloween I decided to try on my two costumes that I have rotated every single year since I was about 15. One of these is a hippie costume, complete with bell-bottoms and a flower child shirt. The other is Bob's Navy uniform, circa 1972.
The only time I ever feel really fat is when I try on Bob's Navy uniform every year on Halloween.
It was late and Halloween night was less than 24 hours away so I pulled the costume out. I quickly realized that I was stuck in it and needed some serious help. So I frantically ran to the front room and found Rebecca, who was on a work-related phone call with some clients in India.
Eli: HELP ME!!!
Rebecca: [Whispering] Why is there a very tight shirt on your head?
Eli: No time to explain! Just help me get it off!
Rebecca:I'm on a work call right now. Can't this wait?
Eli: DOES THIS LOOK LIKE IT CAN WAIT?!
For the next several minutes, Rebecca, holding her phone up to her ear with her shoulder, had me twist and bend several different ways as she tried to pull the shirt off of me. I screamed the entire time.
The shirt came off, and I retreated back into my room. Then I wondered how the costume would look with a certain scarf. So, against my better judgment, I put it back on. A few minutes later:
Eli: HELP ME!!!
Eli: Now's not the time to judge!
Rebecca:Why would you put it back on!?
Rebecca continued her call with India while spending several more minutes and a great amount of energy helping me back out of my costume.
I swear to you this happened a third time. I swear to you Rebecca almost murdered me when it did.
When I finally finished trying on costumes, I came back out to the front room, grabbed the first blanket I could find, and plopped down onto the floor, waiting for Rebecca to finish her phone call so she could pay attention to me.
Rebecca: Ok, that's all we need to cover on this call. Thanks everyone for making time. [click]. ELI WHITTLE MCCANN. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!
Rebecca: This place is a circus! A CIRCUS!
Eli: Well I just needed some help.
Rebecca: And WHAT on Earth are you wearing right now?!
Eli: My Snuggie. Obviously.
Rebecca: That is the grossest, ugliest thing I have ever seen!
Eli: YOU SHOULD BE HANGED FOR SUCH TALK!
Rebecca: A blanket with sleeves is the least sexy thing I can imagine.
Eli: First of all, a Snuggie is not a blanket with sleeves. A blanket is a Snuggie without sleeves.
Rebecca: I fear for you.
Eli: And second, who wouldn't want to come cuddle with this?!
Rebecca went to bed after that, grumbling something about "how did my life become this." Then some time passed and she forgot about the night before Halloween.
Until just now happened.
I was sitting in my brown chair just across from her. She was working and not really paying attention to me. Then she remembered she needed to tell me something.
Rebecca: Oh, guess what--uh, WHAT are you wearing?
Eli: Huh? Oh this old thing? It's my new blanket.
Rebecca: Why do so many weird things happen in this house!?
Eli: There is nothing wrong with this blanket.
Rebecca: When did you even get that?
Eli: Last weekend in Vegas. I realized that I forgot to pack a blanket so I went to the store on the morning of the race and picked it up.
Rebecca: And that's the one you chose?! Out of all the blankets in the world, you thought that was the best one?
Eli: YOU'RE JUST ANTI-RELIGION!
~It Just Gets Stranger