I don't have a beef with anyone.

I mean, except for the essential oils people.

But all the other people? No beef. No beef with the other people.

If you want to ride an elevator when stairs are faster, that's your business. I don't have a beef with you. It seems like a really poor choice. But it's your poor choice.

And they aren't even stairs. It's an escalator. So if laziness is your issue, the escalator is right over there [points to somewhere not even far away]. The escalator will be faster.

But if you don't want to take the escalator, that's fine. I don't have a beef with anyone.

Well, besides people who put pineapple on pizzas. And essential oils people.

But if you're not those people, I don't have a beef with you.

Even if you can't seem to understand that this is an incredibly slow elevator. MASSIVELY slow. COMICALLY slow. And the escalator is faster. The one right over there.

That's fine. You can wait right here with me. I have to take this elevator. I can't choose the obviously-more-sensible escalator option. I have to ride this elevator up one story to the gym, and there isn't an escalator or even stairs that I can take. The elevator is the only option to get to the gym.

You're trying to go down. There are escalator options to go down.

But that's fine. I don't have a beef with anyone.

Of course with the exception of anti-vaxxers (GO AHEAD AND @ ME). And the people who put pineapple on pizzas. And essential oils people.

But if you aren't one of those people, I don't have a beef with you.

Even if you push the down button 20 times while we stand there waiting. If you start pushing the button repeatedly upon noticing that this elevator is FAMOUSLY slow, I won't try to stop you. Even though OMG you are an adult how do you not know that pressing the button again is not going to make it go any faster. You probably also inch forward dozens of times at each stoplight, like doing so is going to save you time.

And it's fine if you are! That's fine! What's it to me if you push the button 20 times while I'm standing there waiting with you?! Who is being hurt by this insanely pointless exercise!!? IT'S FINE.


Besides people who inch forward at stoplights. And anti-vaxxers. Well and the pineapple pizza people.

And essential oils.

But that's not a big list. I'm not the kind of person who has beef with people. I'm totally beefless. I'm basically a vegetarian!

Which reminds me that I do have a beef with some vegetarians. Just the preachy ones.



And good for the button pushers! Even the ones who are screaming into their cell phones while we wait for the elevator that I have to ride up and they are incompetently-choosing to ride down WHEN THE ESCALATOR IS RIGHT OVER THERE.

I don't mind!! My voice isn't getting high-pitched! Yours is!

Why would my voice be getting high pitched! I don't have a beef with people!

BESIDES preachy vegetarians, stoplight inchers, anti-vaxxers, and pineapple people!

Well, and essential oils.

That's fine. All of this is F.I.N.E.


Until you, button-pushing escalator-ignoring cell-phone screamer, decide to get onto the elevator that is clearly going up when you are clearly wanting to go down.

I know you want to go down, because I saw you push the down button.


But instead of waiting for the elevator to take me up the one floor and then come back down to get you to take you to your destination WHICH CAN BE REACHED BY THE ESCALATOR RIGHT OVER THERE IN CASE I HAVEN'T MENTIONED IT YET, you decide to invite your entire family of NINE to get onto the elevator.

And when one of them says, "wait. This elevator is going up. We need to go down." which is a very unimpressive but helpful observation, you say, "oh let's just get on for the ride." So your whole family packs itself into the tiny elevator that is already nearly at capacity because 20 people on the floor below us all got in to ride the elevator up in hopes that the elevator would eventually take them down.

And now, since you think this elevator is a ride at Disneyland, I can't get onto the freaking elevator, because it is fully packed with a bunch of people WHO COULD HAVE JUST TAKEN THE ESCALATOR.


So I have to stand there and wait for the elevator to go up to the gym, come back down one floor, open again to reveal that not a single person has exited the elevator because none of them needed to go to the gym. And now I have to wait a full eternity for the COLOSSALLY slow elevator to go down and drop all of the riders off at all of the down floors.


I don't have a beef with anyone.

Besides the people who ride the elevator in the wrong direction instead of just waiting for the right elevator to come

And the preachy vegetarians, stoplight inchers, anti-vaxxers, and pineapple people.

And essential oils.

~It Just Gets Stranger