Here's my recap, completely from memory, of the 1994 made-for-tv cinematic masterpiece, “Saved By The Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas.” Proof of qualifications: a very worn out VHS tape on which I taped the film and wrote “IMPORTANT” on the label so my family wouldn't record over it.

The gang of Bayside High graduated and Zack and Kelly have finally decided tie the knot. One problem though—Zack’s dad doesn’t understand and won’t support the wedding OH BOY we’re in for some tension.

Zack tells Kelly about his father’s unreasonable obstinance and Kelly is all like “my parents are cool with this but they can’t support the wedding financially” which is consistent with the larger cannon of SBTB as we recall from when Kelly couldn’t buy a prom dress so Zack took her to parking lot prom.Fortunately Zack’s mom gives him vouchers to stay at the Stardust hotel in Vegas and Zack has $1200 so the crew decides to road trip to the strip for some unexpected SHENANIGANS.

The boys and the girls agree to drive separately for reasons. They make a bet about who can get there faster. Well wouldn’t you know, BOTH cars end up in TROUBLE along the way.

The boys are pulled over by a cop for speeding or something and this is a DIRTY cop who arrests them and takes them to ghost town jail. Meanwhile, Lisa’s radiator explodes or something and this is baadddd news because they are in the desert and women obviously can’t fix cars.

Fortunately a man shows up to save the damseled. His name is Kurt and he is EVERYTHING Lisa wouldn’t want in a man. Dirty. Hippie. Wandering the desert by foot.

Lisa is all like “WTF YOU’RE GROSS WHY DON’T YOU HAVE STUFF” and he’s like “I get by fine without material things” and Lisa is like “including a comb” but she says that part under her breath so he can’t hear.

Then Kurt immediately fixes Lisa’s car by cutting up her very expensive leather belt and I guess turning it into a brand new radiator.

Back at Ghost Town jail the cop is like “you boys are going to have to bribe me to get out” and Screech goes “WELL ZACK HAS $1200” and the cop is like “well you’re in luck because that’s exactly what it’s going to cost you!”

Everyone arrives at the Stardust and since Zack doesn’t have any money for the wedding and for some reason can’t tell Kelly about this, the three boys frantically secure jobs as caddies at a golf course. They get fired because of something or other.

Slater keeps seeing this mysterious woman named Carla and he wants to hit that but she keeps slipping away. Finally he gets her to agree to go on a date with him at the Stardust Hotel restaurant.

Well, things really start heating up when Zack and Screech get jobs as male escorts WHO SAYS THIS ISN’T THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY.

Screech is rented out by this loud woman in a pink Cadillac; Zack, by a Russian lady. Both of these women very much wanted to go on dates with boys who still haven’t returned their cap and gown from high school graduation.

The escort dates are also at the Stardust Hotel BUT THERE’S ONE BIG PROBLEM. Kelly and Lisa are also going to be at the Stardust Hotel restaurant so Zack has to keep going back and forth from the two tables.

Eventually Kelly sees the Russian woman and she’s like “THE WEDDING IS OFF YOU POS.” Zack doesn’t know how he can possibly explain this.

At some point Carla’s mobster boyfriend sees her on a date with Slater and he’s like “I WILL END YOU” and we’ll get back to the mobster in a minute it’s very important so don’t forget about him.Zack can’t get into Kelly’s room because she DEADBOLTED that shit so he climbs over the balcony WHERE ARE THESE KIDS’ PARENTS and mansplains everything to Kelly. She immediately forgives him.

Then Carla comes down to the room and tells the gang that her mobster boyfriend is going to kill them all and also he’s staying at the Stardust Hotel because he’s going to steal the Considine Diamond which is at the hotel for some reason I TOLD YOU THE MOBSTER WAS IMPORTANT.The girls try to sneak the boys out of the hotel on luggage racks but it does NOT work and so they somehow end up in a car chase scene. They abandon their cars in a traffic jam and the race continues on foot.

Somehow the boys end up backstage at a big show and their only option is to dress up as showgirls and get on stage and if it wasn’t so tense this would be HILARIOUS.

They also hide in a wax museum at some point where they have to pose as wax figures and hold very still as the mobsters walk by and look at each one carefully.  

They get caught anyway but they pretend to be the three stooges or something and in the process they trick the mobsters and lock them in a vault I don’t know it doesn’t matter

The point is, they are able to go to a wedding chapel so they can just get the hell married and get the hell out of Vegas. But just before the ceremony ends Zack’s parents rush in and they’re like NO SON OF OURS IS GETTING MARRIED THIS WAY.

So they quickly plan a park wedding for like the next day or something and Zack’s parents pay for it and like 100 people show up.

Oh I forgot about Kurt the Hippie somewhere back there. He and Lisa are like soulmates now. And so is Slater and Carla. Screech will die alone.

Just as the wedding is about to start someone yells “stop!” and after the roller coaster we’ve already been on it seems so unfair for them to do this to us but lo and behold Zack and Kelly turn around and see . . .

JESSIE SPANOOOOOOOO. Elizabeth Berkley just stepped off the set of Showgirls to film exactly one scene where she has one line which is something like “I WOULDN’T MISS THIS WEDDING FOR THE WORLD” and it is never explained why Jessie wasn’t just there the whole time.

Zack and Kelly get married and you know the marriage is going to last because.

The gang is all sad since things will never be the same and Slater is like “Texas forever” or something. Then Kelly throws the bouquet and Screech catches it and just then that pink Cadillac cougar from earlier shows up and starts chasing him.

It’s SO funny.

And then the credits roll I was in court last week and couldn’t remember a basic fact of my case I’ve been working on for 5 years thank you for your time

~It Just Gets Stranger