My moisturizing journey and skin care habits have been wrought with mistakes and youthful ignorance. I visited a tanning bed or two in my early 20s. "I just want a slight glow," I told myself, as I fried my largest organ in radiation chambers that came with a warning.
I cringe at the thought that in 2009 my sister, uncle, and I went to Guatemala and baked our bodies under the almost-equatorial sun to the point that we had rotate ourselves in a moving line under a spigot that dripped cold water for two full days. "But think about how tan we'll be when this all peels off," I remember one of us saying. "Totally." the other two responded.
Fortunately before I moved to Palau in 2012 I had started to think more about my future. "I don't want to come back to the U.S. looking like dried leather," I told a woman at the grocery store who had noticed I was shopping for sunscreen, just like she was. She said she was going to the Caribbean for a week. "Same," she said. "Why would I want to be hot for a few months if the price is prunes for a lifetime?"
I didn't moisturize in Palau. The air did that for me. But I did obsessively protect my skin from UV rays to the point that I did not receive a single sunburn in the time I lived there.
A year or two after I moved back I started dating a guy who was probably too young for me. "What are you thinking?" I asked him when he told me he was going to a tanning salon after work. I heard myself turning into an old man, so I just went for it. We were standing on the side of South Temple in downtown Salt Lake City, getting ready to cross the street. "Learn these lessons in your youth!" I shouted, impersonating some unnamed elderly person while shaking my fist.
Over the next few years I started caring more and more about a moisturizing habit. I looked up products. I talked to friends who had flawless complexions. I tried products that changed my life, like this one:

The more and more I started to care about this, the more I noticed when other men didn't.
"He just really needs a good moisturizer," I've said on occasion while talking about some dude whose skin was flaking or unnecessarily wrinkling around the eyes. "Even a basic one."
I was thinking about that this weekend when I tweeted.
Therapist: what brings you in?
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 22, 2020
Me: I know a lot of straight dudes and I can’t stop thinking about how little they probably moisturize.
Some of my straight dude friends were like "WHAAAAT" including Meg's husband.
I’m sure the mega jug of Jergens felt the same way.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 22, 2020
So then I thought I'd finally just share my regimen. All advice/tips VERY welcome in the comments. Thanks in advance.
I think the reason straight dudes ("SDs") don't moisturize is because we haven't made it accessible enough for them. So I'm going to fix that by explaining my 5-step regimen in terms that might help bridge the gap. (And you should listen to me because I'm *very* pretty.)
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 23, 2020
1. I pat this REN tonic on my face and neck right after I get out of the shower. It ensures a healthy glow and minimized pores. This is just like when LeBron James drops a field goal right down the pike in the first inning when he's performing sports games. pic.twitter.com/kW0nJF2FNc
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 23, 2020
4. Before bed I rub on Dermalogica's overnight retinol repair (sometimes with buffer cream because I'm not a monster!). You know that scene in The Godfather Part 12 when Rambo finds a horse head in his bed? Well, he would have looked better with a consistent retinol habit. pic.twitter.com/nGrJ6qfXTF
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 23, 2020
5. Finally, I gently place a dollop of Dr. Gross Eye Cream under my eyes (again, just before bed). Eye cream is like a movie without The Rock. Sure, it might be an ok film, as long as it was directed by Martin Scorsese, but it would have been better with The Rock. pic.twitter.com/Y8C5LvReLT
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 23, 2020
That's basically it. If you just do those five things every day you will srsly be so hot and cute. I want that for you because I love you SDs like you love clothes that don't fit and eating the same meal five days in a row.
Hit me up with Qs or if you just want to play guitars.February 23, 2020
~It Just Gets Stranger