There's this really serious problem that I have that I didn't realize I had until I moved back to Salt Lake City. It's sort of a subset of a greater problem that I did know I had. And, well, I guess I'm finally ready to declare it publicly:

My name is Eli McCann, and I'm a lamp hoarder.

"Hi, Eli."

Oh gosh. That was hard to get out. But the first step is admitting there's a problem. Step two: talking about it. Steps three through fourteen: ice cream and cheesecake. Step fifteen: reward yourself by buying another lamp.


I've known I was a hoarder for a while. It's getting more and more serious as I age. When Jolyn helped me unpack my apartment last month we had a lot of conversations that sounded exactly like this:

Jolyn: And what does this cord go to?

Eli: Um. I think it used to charge a cordless phone I had in high school.

Jolyn: And why do you have it?

Eli: What if I find that phone and--

Jolyn: We're throwing this away.

[Ripping the cord out of Jolyn's hands]

Eli: Get the HELL out of my house! After you finish unpacking.

So, yes. I'm a bit of a hoarder. But my problem isn't bad enough to call those people on TV and have them come clean my house and be all like, "now Eli, why are you holding onto this item?"

Eli: Because it represents my childhood and a bullying experience I had in the second grade.

Hoarder People: What would happen if you let this go?

Eli: Nothing.

Hoarder People: Why don't we try putting it in the truck and seeing how that makes you feel?

Eli: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE! After you finish cleaning it.

Etc. For one full hour.

What I didn't really realize until last month is that I don't just hoard cords to old electronic devices and great broken pottery from Mexico. I also hoard lighting apparatuses.

On that same day that Jolyn was unpacking my apartment Kurt started to become concerned.

Kurt: Why is our place starting to look like a lamp shop?

Eli: I need them. I need ALL of them!

Kurt: Eli. There are [counting] . . . TWELVE lamps in this room right now!

Eli: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AND YOU HATE ANIMALS!

Kurt: No. You hate animals. And I'm not pretending to understand. Why do you have TWELVE lamps in this apartment?

Eli: THEY REPRESENT MY CHILDHOOD AND A BULLYING EXPERIENCE I HAD IN THE SECOND GRADE, OK?!

Kurt: Eli. This isn't Hoarders. I don't care.

So a few weeks ago I decided that I wanted to find a cool new lamp for my office. I was at a store near my apartment, scoping out a few options. I knew I couldn't call Kurt for advice because he doesn't want me to be happy. So instead I decided to call my best friend Corey.

Eli: Hey, I'm looking at some lamps--

Corey: Eli McCann. You get out of that store right now. Leave. Find the door, and walk to it.

Eli: But this is for my office!

Corey: You have a dozen or so perfectly good lamps at home. Go get one of them and bring it to your office. Then give away about six more for charity.

Eli: How do you know I have a lot of lamps? You're not here. You live in California.

Corey: Eli. Everybody knows you have a lamp problem. When the satellite takes the night pictures to show how much electricity is being used in different parts of the world, it looks like an A-bomb just went off in Utah.

Eli: I LIKE SEXY LIGHTING. SO SUE ME.

So I bought two great lamps and they are now sitting in my office. I don't live in a big place and I own fourteen lamps right now.

FOURTEEN.

~It Just Gets Stranger