I called the dentist to make an appointment today. I really hope they don't record their phone conversations:

Dentist: Hello. How may I help you?

Eli: I need to make a dentist appointment for as soon as possible.

Dentist: Ok. We have an opening for 1:00 today.

Eli: Oh. Wow. No, I can't do today.

Dentist: You said "as soon as possible."

Eli: Right. But you're the dentist. I assumed that as soon as possible would be sometime around Easter.

Dentist: Well let's see . . . if you can't make it today . . . the next possible time is November 4, 2097.

Eli: That sounds more dentist-like of you. I'LL TAKE IT!

Dentist: Ok. And your name?

Eli: Gladys Knight.

Dentist: Um . . . ?

Eli: Oh my gosh! I can't believe I just told you my name is Gladys Knight! I'm reading her Wikipidia page while I talk to you and that's why I said that. Did you know she's 69?! I'm fascinated with her because my sister and I always sing the Midnight Train to Georgia song to each other. "A superstar but he didn't get far!" Plus she's a Mormon and so am I and I think--

Dentist: So what's your name?

Eli: Oh. Right. My name is Eli McCann.

Dentist: Ok, and is there an insurance company you would like to list?

Eli: Yes.

Dentist: . . .

Eli: Oh, you want to know what that is. Let me pull out this card . . . um . . . PPO Dependent something dental life reliance ameritas something benefit coverage--

Dentist: You're just reading random words printed on the card, aren't you?

Eli: I don't understand insurance, ok?!

Dentist: Alright. We're all set. Just come a little early to the appointment so you can fill out some paperwork.

Eli: Ok. And I feel like I should let you know that I haven't been to a dentist in a while because I was living in this place for the last year where I would not have dared to go to the dentist. So I haven't been to a dentist since like 2009.

Dentist: Sorry, you haven't been to the dentist in four years because you were living in a questionable place for one year?

Eli: I don't like all the questions! Why does this conversation feel like school?!

Dentist: Ok. We'll just see you at your appointment.

Eli: Also I had ringworm last month but I recently beat it.

Dentist: Uh . . .

Eli: And just to be clear, because I really don't want to make the same mistake twice, is this one of those dentist offices where you're supposed to keep all of your clothes on?

Dentist: Seriously? YES.

Eli: Even though I don't have the ringworm anymore?

Dentist: Even though every possible thing you could say.

Eli: No need to get testy. I'm just trying to be responsible and check before I come and have a serious misunderstanding like last time. Or like all of those times at the pharmacy. Did you know that the pharmacy is NOT the same thing as the doctor's office? And those people are NOT interested in seeing the reason you're getting the medication.

Dentist: Ok, Gladys. It's been . . . interesting.

Eli: Wait! Before you go: What does the dentist of the year get?

Dentist: Excuse me?


Dentist: I'm going to make sure they don't give you any laughing gas.

~It Just Gets Stranger