Eli: DID YOU KNOW THERE'S SUCH A THING AS THROAT CHLAMYDIA?!
Val: . . . Eli?
Eli: I feel so gross right now! You have to help me! What are we going to do?!
Val: So . . . wait. What?
Eli:Throat chlamydia, Val. I was just at the doctor and she told me about it.
Val: Um . . . Eli, what did you do in Mexico last week?
Eli: NOTHING. I just slept on the beach and visited my grandma. That's why it's so unfair if I got throat chlamydia down there.
Val: Did the doctor actually tell you that's what you have?
Eli: Well, basically.
Val: What did she say, exactly.
30 Minutes Earlier
Doctor: So . . . to what do we owe this pleasure today?
Eli: Well, I've had a very sore throat for about two weeks now.
Doctor: Ok . . . is that it?
Doctor: You really don't need to be naked for this, then.
Eli: WELL YOU SHOULD REALLY POST SIGNS SO IT ISN'T SO CONFUSING!
Doctor: Let me see inside your mouth.
Doctor: Ok. I think I know what it is. You have a certain bacterial infection. It's common. I'm going to give you something for it but if it doesn't clear up it might be something else. Like chlamydia.
Eli: Great. Wait. What now?
Eli: Uh . . . haha . . . no. You must be confused. I have a sore throat.
Doctor: I know.
Eli: Chlamydia . . . that isn't a throat thing . . . it doesn't happen in the throat . . . it belongs somewhere else.
Doctor: Actually, it can happen in the throat.
Doctor: Still yes.
Eli: Ooooooh. Maybe I misheard you. Are you saying the word "calamity?"
Eli: But how do you even get that in your throat?
Doctor: Well, if you've ever [CENSORED!!!].
Eli: WHAT?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!
Doctor: I'm just saying. You might want to get that checked out if this medicine doesn't clear things up. What are you doing?
Eli: I'm looking up "throat chlamydia" on my phone. WebMD.
Doctor: You know that you're with an actual doctor right now, right?
Eli: Shhhh! OHMYGOSH! According to WebMD, I totally have throat chlamydia! And maybe a neck cyst! And something called "yeast infection?"
End of Flashback
Val: Why did you get naked for that?
Eli: CAN EVERYONE PLEASE JUST FOCUS ON THE ISSUE HERE!
Val: Well it sounds like she never told you that you have throat chlamydia. And if you haven't done those things she referred to when she told you how someone gets it, then I really don't think you need to worry about it.
Eli: Ok. You're right. That makes me feel better. And just so you know, I really don't want a lot of people to know about this so please, let's just keep it between the two of us.
Val: I hadn't planned on telling an--
Eli: Oops. Gotta go. Kurt's calling on the other line.
Kurt: I just saw your Snapchat. Chlamydia?
Eli: Yes. Throat chlamydia. I'm just beside myself.
Kurt: Are you sure?
Eli: Only time will tell.
Kurt: You don't sound that concerned.
Eli: I know. I'm so brave.
Kurt: I really doubt you have throat chlamydia. I don't think you understand what chlamydia is.
Eli: Hey, Bob and Cathie are calling. I gotta go.
Cathie: Son, why did your sister just tell us that you think you have chlamydia?
Bob: Do you even know what chlamydia is?
Eli: YES! Why does everyone keep asking me that!?
Cathie: And just HOW do you know what it is, young man!?
Eli: Well the doctor told me.
Bob: A doctor told you that . . . you have chlamydia?
Eli: Well, no. But she told me what it is and now I feel like I have it.
Cathie: Oh brother. Son. One of these days I would like to have one phone call with you where you give us good news like, "I'm coming to get all of that crap out of your house that I won't let you throw away," or "I got someone pregnant and now you're going to have more grandbabies."
Eli: I gotta go. Jolyn's calling on the other line.
Jolyn: Just saw your Facebook status. First of all, you do not have chlamydia, Eli.
Eli: How do you know?
Jolyn: Do you even know how chlamydia is spread?
Eli: Well unfortunately the doctor told me today. So, yes.
Jolyn: Right. And you haven't done any of the things that would put you at risk for chlamydia. You don't even have the vocabulary to discuss those things. So you don't have chlamydia.
Eli: But what about when I put my mouth over the whole drinking fountain cover thing?
Jolyn: Ok. Well I think you should stop doing that. But not because of chlamydia. You can't get chlamydia that way.
Eli: I'm going to text Shea and get her to weigh in on this.
~It Just Gets Stranger