Jolyn Metro is the worst human being who has ever lived.
Yesterday afternoon I had noticed that things seemed far too quiet for April Fools' Day. Nothing had really happened. No mention of the holiday. No terribly mean pranks to basically ruin my life. Nothing.
And then, sometime around 3:00 PM, I received a text message.
"May the force be with you."
It was from a number I didn't recognize. I thought this was odd. But I was busy and not really in a place to deal with it and try to convince the person on the other end to go halfsies on couple Snuggies.
Then another text came in. Another quote from Star Wars and from a different phone number than the last. Then another. Then another. Then another.
The text messages sometimes said things like, "hey nerdy girl. You want to get to know a nerdy guy?" And "Star Wars girl?!" And "I would travel the galaxy for you."
So I started to wonder, "has someone posted a personal ad for me on the Internets?" But then I thought, "who would DO such a thing?!"
And I remembered. I remembered that Jolyn Freaking Metro is a part of my life.
People started texting me really terribly creepy shirtless selfies. Middle-aged men, mostly. And the texts kept rolling in. I finally asked someone to send me a link to the ad they were responding to. This person complied.
I could have killed her. I could have killed her right then and there. I saw Jolyn a few hours later and she knew I had figured her out the moment her evil red eyes met mine. I held my constantly buzzing phone up to her face and showed her that I had received texts and phone calls from over FIFTY people.
You guys. FIFTY people responded to this ad by that point. FIFTY!
Just then the phone started to ring and Jolyn grabbed it out of my hand and answered. I heard her say many things in a seductive voice.
"Hey baby. Do you want to talk about Staaaaaaar Wars?"
"Oh yeah? [Giggle]. Who's your favorite stormtrooper?"
"I sometimes like to wrap my braids ALL around my ears."
I thought the responses would die down so I could go back to my normal life. But I was wrong. Because the text messages continued through the night. When I woke up, I had about 17 new messages waiting for me.
I got to the office and they continued to pour in. Finally, I texted Jolyn, begging her to remove the ad. To my horror, she responded that she didn't know how but was able to add a note to it, explaining that it was all an April Fools' joke.
In response to this, she received an email from an angry Craigslist user:
"I wasn't one of the ones who replied to the ad but that was pretty crappy of you. Personally if I'm replying to a personal ad, I'll spend a fair amount of time thinking of what to write. I'll bet your unlucky victims probably did the same and you just wasted their time and disappointed their hopes. Try and do something a little less selfish next year please. A joke is something that more than one person finds funny!"
I continued to text Jolyn, begging her to do something about this situation, telling her that I was STILL getting phone calls and texts despite the admission that it was all a joke.
~It Just Gets Stranger