You guys. My life has changed.
First of all, I want to just take a moment and recognize that this entire post is going to sound like a commercial. BUT, aint nobody be paying me for this. They SHOULD. Because I'm about to dedicate an entire blog post that will be read by eleventy million people all to one product made by some company that I had never heard of and just discovered. All because MY LIFE HAS CHANGED.
A little while ago I posted this picture on Stranger, much to your delight, I'm sure:
You probably don't remember that I posted this because I've since assaulted you with pictures of Tami and so now this doesn't seem all that disgusting.
I swear I went through menopause or something in Palau because ever since I've been back I have had the most obnoxious sweating problems. You guys. I am not kidding you. My armpits sweat through my shirts all the time. It doesn't matter what the temperature is. It can be snowing inside and outside and I can be naked standing in ice water and my armpits will still be sweating.
It's like there's an electrical problem with my body. I think the Queen of Colors has somehow taken over my sweat glands. And it is so incredibly embarrassing.
Don't tell anyone, but a couple of months ago I finally resorted to sticking napkins in my armpits while sitting in my office. I went through an absurd amount each day but it at least sort of stopped what you see pictured above from happening.
Then about a month and a half ago I went to a pool party hosted by a person I had never met before. I was wearing a blue t-shirt that I had JUST put on.
The party host walked over to me, pulled me aside, and said, "I see you have an armpit sweating problem."
Eli: I'M SO SORRY! I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING! I'LL LEAVE! JUST PLEASE DON'T CAUSE A SCENE.
Host: I'm not going to ask you to leave. But I will ask you to put your pants back on.
Host: I used to be like you. I used to have to try to hide who I was. I used to live in fear, too.
Eli: You've had overactive sweat glands? But your shirt looks so dry!? HOW? DID YOU GET PROSTHETIC ARMPITS?!
He then motioned me toward the bathroom and pulled out a package of this thing called SweatBlock.
He told me that this product changed his life. I was skeptical. But also desperate. So I immediately went home and ordered some online.
They feel like wet wipes and you rub them on about once a week and they are supposed to keep your armpits from excessively sweating.
It seemed odd that this could possibly work. You rub them on and it doesn't feel like it's doing anything. No tingling sensation. No burning. Nothing. It just dries and you go about your business.
But oh my gosh. You guys. Picture me crying a little as I say this. Also, I'm clasping all of your hands and looking straight into your eyes.
I. DON'T. SWEAT. ANYMORE.
I'm not kidding you. I have now been using these for about six weeks. And my life has completely changed.
I'm considering starting a religion based entirely off of SweatBlock. I'm naming my first child "SweatBlock." And my second "SweatBlock two." And so on.
I just submitted "SweatBlock" as a name for a new star. I'm changing my Facebook relationship status to "in a relationship with SweatBlock." I'll be giving it out to trick-or-treaters this year on Halloween. I just had their logo tattooed across my face. It's right below Paul Simon's name.
I very rarely promote any kind of product on Stranger. But if there is a product that can stop me from feeling like I have to put a burqa on over my shirt to attend meetings in the office, I WILL PROMOTE THE HELL OUT OF IT.
So go buy this crap. NOW.
You're welcome, SweatBlock.
[UPDATE: SweatBlock saw this post and graciously created a promo code "STRANGER" for any of you who want to order some. YET ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE THESE PEOPLE.]
~It Just Gets Stranger