Receptionist: Dr. So and So's office, how can I help you?
Eli: Yes. Good day. I am looking for a doctor.
Receptionist: Um . . . ok. Any doctor in particular?
Eli: Well, I'm not sure. You see, my coworker gave me this number and he said I could find his doctor here. Well actually he's not just a coworker. He's also my friend. I need to stop calling my friends by other titles because it can sometimes be offensive--
Receptionist: This is Dr. So and So's office. Is that who your friend referred you to?
Eli: I'm not really sure. I don't remember the name he said. And I'm really nervous because I didn't know that people had regular doctors until just recently and I'm not sure if this is like tryouts and I just really want you to like me.
Receptionist: So you want to make an appointment with the doctor and have her be your regular doctor?
Eli: Well, yes. IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
Receptionist: It's not. That's what we're here for.
Eli: And do you need to see, like, my resume or do you need letters of recommendation or something?
Receptionist: Huh? Wait. Are you trying to apply for a job here?
Eli: It depends. Will that make it more or less likely for me to get in?
Receptionist: Sir. We don't have tryouts. I can schedule an appointment with you when the doctor is free.
Eli: OH MY GOSH! THIS IS ALREADY GOING SO WELL!
Receptionist: I guess. So I just need some information from you.
Eli: [sitting up straight and summoning his serious voice] ok. Go ahead.
Receptionist: Name?
Eli: Eli McCann. WAIT. Eli William McCann. WAIT. Eli W. McCann. DO YOU NEED MY MIDDLE NAME BECAUSE I JUST MADE THAT ONE UP BECAUSE I GOT SCARED THAT YOU WOULD THINK MY REAL MIDDLE NAME IS WEIRD.
Receptionist: Uh . . . First and last name is fine. Are those your real first and last names.
Eli: Yes.
Receptionist: Ok. Who is your insurance provider?
[Eli hangs up in a panic and then calls his sister so she can help him figure out who his insurance provider is because CONFUSING and the card says like 12 different things. Then Eli calls back.]
Receptionist: Hello?
Eli: Yes. I believe we were unfortunately disconnected a moment ago.
Receptionist: Yes. Is this the tryout guy?
Eli: I want to say no, but I'm also worried that it might be against the law to lie to you.
Receptionist: Did you figure out your health insurance provider?
Eli: Yes. I sure did. All by myself. WITH NO HELP. It's such and such.
Receptionist: Ok. And it looks like the earliest I can get you in will be December 5th.
Eli: BUT I COULD BE DEAD BY THEN!
Receptionist: Uh . . . sir? Do you have a medical emergency?
Eli: Well, no. Unless you consider "overreacting" a medical emergency.
Receptionist: We don't.
Eli: Ok. In that case, I don't.
Receptionist: Great. Well we look forward to meeting you in December.
Eli: Wait. Um . . . not to be needy or anything, but do you think the doctor is going to like me?
Receptionist: I have no doubt, Eli. I'm sure you'll be the most interesting part of her December 5th.
Eli: YES! Tami and I can't wait!
Receptionist: Who's Tami?
Eli: Never mind! See you then!
~It Just Gets Stranger
Eli Finds a "Regular" Doctor
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