Ring ring.

Eli: Respecta!

This is the stage name I have chosen for Rebecca.

Rebecca: Eli. I'm trying to get a hold of Matt to ask him some important home repair questions. But he isn't answering.

Eli: Well you can ask me those questions, too.

Rebecca: No offense, but you don't know anything.


Rebecca: Eli, let's skip this whole song and dance where you claim to be competent in an area where we both know neither of us is competent.

Eli: I'll have you know that I fixed a VERY complicated electrical problem in my home all by myself this weekend.

Rebecca: What was the problem?

Eli: Well, you see, the light went out in the kitchen--

Rebecca: And you changed the light bulb?

Eli: Well I had to get out a chair first and stand on it. Plus I had to unscrew the light fixture thing to get to the light bulb AND I had to figure out whether the light bulb had burned out.

Rebecca: Anything else you want to add to your home improvement resume?

Eli: Sweeping.

Rebecca: Ok. Anyway, I wanted to ask Matt for some advice on painting the floor in my front room.

Rebecca's front room desperately needs addressing. It's a very old hardwood floor that appears to have been painted white previously. Most of that paint has been worn or scraped off, probably by devil worshipers.

Eli: So, you need him to tell you how to paint the floor?

Rebecca: Well, no. I already know how to do that. I was hoping he would approve my color choice.

Eli: How do you know how to paint a floor? Have you ever done anything like that before?

Rebecca: It's common sense. Anyone can paint a floor.

Eli: Oh really, Give me a step-by-step.

Rebecca: Well, you just pour the paint out and spread it around. It only takes like ten minutes.

Eli: For the love of all that is holy, please include a few questions for Matt about how to paint your floor.

Rebecca: You don't think it's that simple?

Eli: Look. I've never painted anything in my life. But I can tell you right now that "pour the paint out and spread it around" are not the real instructions for any activity unless you're in Kindergarten or one of those really weird hippie places where everyone is naked and trying to express themselves.

Rebecca: Europe?

Eli: Yes.

~It Just Gets Stranger