Woman: Comcast, how can I help you?
Eli: Yes. Good day. HD does not work.
Woman: Excuse me?
Eli: I turn on the television and there is no high definition.
Woman: So . . . you are not experiencing HD? Are you certain?
Eli: Quite. For a while I just thought it was because I wasn't wearing my glasses. But then I remembered that my glasses are basically just for show anyway so that didn't really make sense. But then I put them on just to test the theory anyway and NO HD.
Woman: Ok. How long have you noticed the problem?
Eli: Well, it started when I was watching Full Hou--NEVER YOU MIND WHAT I WAS WATCHING--but when I switched it over to Naked and Af--NEVER MIND--I noticed that the 1992 program I was watching looked the same as the 2016 one.
Woman: I see that you have HD channels with your service, and have for the last two years.
Eli: This is an outrage!
Woman: Do you have your HDMI cable properly hooked up?
Eli: That's not a thing.
Woman: Sir, do you know what an HDMI cable is?
Eli: Is that the same as an antenna?
Woman: No . . . there should be a cord that looks like [long boring description] coming out of your cable box and connecting to your TV at [long boring description].
Eli: I just noticed I don't even know where my antenna is.
Woman: That's ok.
Eli: Shouldn't I have an antenna?
Woman: No.
Eli: Then how will I get channels?
Woman: Sir, you haven't needed an antenna in like 20 years.
Eli: Ok, lady. I'm pretty sure I know how to watch TV. I've been doing it since before Punky Brewster's friend nearly suffocated in that refrigerator.
Woman: Let's go back to the HDMI cord. You should see [repeats long boring description].
Eli: Just a second. SKYLAR!!!! SKYLAR!!!! SKYYYYYYYYLAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!
Skylar: WHAT?!
Eli: I NEED HELP. IT'S AN EMERGENCY!
Skylar: Is this an emergency or an Eligency?
Eli: Like, no one's dying or anything. YET.
Skylar: I'm studying for the MCAT right now.
Eli: Oh, this is definitely more important than that.
[Skylar comes down the stairs]
Skylar: Ok. What?
Eli: There's a woman on the phone saying Millennial things to me about TV.
Skylar: Seriously?
Eli: Yes. And apparently we don't use antennas anymore.
Skylar: Give me the damn phone.
[The phone is passed over]
Skylar: Hello? Yes? An HDMI cord? Mmhmm.
Eli: Ask her if she knows anything about a Judging Amy reboot. But don't tell her I'm the one who told you to ask.
Skylar: SHHHHHH! Ok. Yes. He has one. No, he's actually only 32. What's that? No. The HDMI cord is not plugged in. One end is currently under a rug and the other end is covered in duct tape.
Eli: Don't take it off! That's how the government listens to you!
Skylar:For the last time--the government isn't interested in your life!
Eli: I'll have you know I was a party of a very effective spy club in the mid-90s.
Skylar: I'll take it from here. Sorry to bother you.
[Click]
[Skylar plugs one thing in. The TV suddenly becomes clearer than real life.]
Eli: OMG IS THIS THE FUTURE?!?!
Skylar: No. This is like 2007. Welcome to a decade ago.
 |
| Also, Duncan Doodle. |
~It Just Gets Stranger
