I'm caught in the the nine circles of Hell right now.  This is because I'm suddenly required on a much more frequent basis than I signed up for to visit or view pictures of places where homosexuals can get married to each other.

Yes. We are in venue-hunting season, and it is exactly eleventy times more miserable than I predicted.

I keep doing this thing where I tell Skylar that I don't care what we do and he just needs to choose whatever he wants but then when he gets close to making any decisions I jump in and make him feel as much doubt as possible about his choice. I don't know why I do this. It's like wedding planning occurs at the intersection of the controlling and apathetic parts of my personality. You know. The one with manipulation right on the corner.

Skylar would likely have elected not to marry me by this point if he wasn't so excited to invite everyone he has ever met in his life to the world's most expensive party. With each passing day I become slightly less relevant to his relationship with this wedding.

But for real. Why do we need flowers? Can fun not be had and nuptials not be formalized without floral arrangements? Can't we just save those for funerals? Did you know that flowers cost $200,000? They do. I don't know why this is the case. They spontaneously grow in parts of my yard for free.

Which reminds me: what's wrong with our backyard? Is it not possible to get married in a backyard? Why does Skylar just laugh when I bring this up? Is it the size? Because I have a solution for that: LET'S NOT INVITE EVERYONE WE'VE EVER MET.

Did you guys know that there are people who make videos of your wedding and then put them in slow motion like it's a country music video from the 80s and then they charge you $200,000 to do this? I don't plan to look good enough to want to see myself in a slow-motion music video from the 80s so can't we just skip that part?

Have you guys ever heard of something called "ceremony fee?" We've been told by multiple venues that in addition to the cost to rent the space, we'll be required to pay a "ceremony fee." I haven't gotten a clear response to my questions about what, exactly, that is. And when we mentioned that we don't plan to have a ceremony because we don't think we could get through one without laughing, they said that we have to pay it whether or not anyone is walking down any aisles.

The ceremony situation is still TBD. Initially we thought we would just get married at a courthouse and then have a little party after. But then everyone Skylar has ever met in his life found out about this and threatened to commit mass genocide. So now we have to promise not to leave each other no matter how fat I get in front of our families. Which, to be honest, is probably good. I'ma need some witnesses for that. And maybe the rest of it has some value too. Because in 10 years when Skylar is like "I'm leaving you because you don't shower anymore" I can be like "AND WASTE THE CEREMONY FEE THAT WE ALREADY PAID."

Also, what the hell is this?

I found it when I was googling wedding stuff. Am I going to be expected to do that? I don't look good in white. It washes me out. Also I have hyperactive sweat glands.

I must be on at least the fourth circle by now, right?

~It Just Gets Stranger