The other night I watched Jaws and I decided to live Tweet my experience and I'm feeling lazy and some of you still refuse to follow me on Twitter BECAUSE YOU DON'T MIND COMMITTING HATE CRIMES and I'm frantically trying to prepare for our AMAZING SHOW in SLC this Friday (get tickets here, please. Meg keeps yelling at me because I'm not popular enough to sell out Madison Square Garden.).
So, here's my experience watching Jaws for the very first time. Also, what "old" movie do I need to see next?
Just about to watch Jaws for the first time. Trying to find out why everyone so hella skerd of a fish.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 7, 2019
It just started and there’s already WATER NUDITY
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 7, 2019
Home girl just got eaten by a shark because that’s what happens when you take your clothes off.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 7, 2019
They just found her body. The shark tried to burry her on the beach like Harry did for Dobby but it’s hard cuz no shovels or upper body strength.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 7, 2019
So far they are IN TO IT pic.twitter.com/FBoD8W8CWc
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 7, 2019
The old white people do not want to believe there’s a shark out there and so far that’s the most 2019 thing about this movie.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 7, 2019
THERE WAS ANOTHER SHARK ATTACKKKKKKKK pic.twitter.com/igVdRmgVy7
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 7, 2019
Somebody just offered to go kill the shark for $10k which is like 12 million dollars in 2019 money.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 7, 2019
RICHARD DREYFUSS IS IN THIS OMG MR. HOLLAND’S OPUS IS ABOUT TO GET OPUSSED
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
So they caught a shark but Mr. Holland’s Opus is like IT’S THE WRONG ONE JAWS IS STILL OUT THERE and I believe him because there’s still a lot of movie time left.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
I am stress knitting YES THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL SCARF TGANK YOU I WILL SEND YOU THE PATTERN pic.twitter.com/y6NJxkgYXT
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
HE JUST POURED RED WINE INTO A GLASS WITH ICE MAKE A WHOLE MOVIE ABOUT THAT pic.twitter.com/O4NAiyC6zH
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
So Richard Dreyfus and the town mayor/sheriff/Ms. Utah are out hunting the shark and they are a little drunk but so am I SO WHO’S JUSGING
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
So the one old white guy refuses to close the beaches for the 4th of July probably because he’s never experienced adversity before so he can’t comprehend the whole shark problem.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
Everyone was a little ugly in the 70s.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
So they hired ol’ 10k dollar guy to go catch the shark and he’s taking Richard Dreyfus with him because he has a beard
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
So far there is not a single competent woman in this entire film NO WONDER WE PAY YOU LESS
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
“You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
In a way, isn’t this movie about relationships?
Ok so they tied a yellow barrel to the shark so they could find it later, a tactic that also works with children in Disneyland.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
They’re just I discriminately shooting a gun at the ocean which is basically 2019 U.S. foreign policy.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
I am 3/4 of the way through this and I don’t know a single person’s name. WHAT IS THIS, MY JOB???
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
I wish I was watching Finding Nemo. Or Ellen.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
Ok so the shark looks like a muppet. pic.twitter.com/ve34DIljNx
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
Now this thing is turning into Titanic. I seriously hope they never let go. pic.twitter.com/x2MihNAvlD
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
They’ve killed this Voldemort shark like 7 times.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
Ok they blew the shark up and then it ended. I’m going to watch some Marie Kondo and calm down.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 8, 2019
~It Just Gets Stranger
