We're leaving for Palau in a few weeks and that is feeling very surreal to me.

I've started trying to make plans for some activities while we're there. Snorkeling, kayaking, hiking, etc.

Palau is known for its scuba diving. People come from all over the world to dive there. I've heard from divers that it is considered by a lot of people to be the best place in the world to dive.

I got scuba certified a few weeks after I moved to Palau in 2012. It was a no-brainer. Almost immediately after arriving in the country I was pushed to get certified so I could start going on weekend diving trips.

And I went. I went diving at least a couple times a month. We saw some impressive stuff. I can see why people love doing it.

But, y'all.

I'm going to whisper this next part to you so you know I'm treating this like a possibly controversial confession: I don't love scuba diving.

I never admitted it while I was living in Palau, I think because it seemed ungrateful and I didn't want to be a buzzkill. I also really didn't want it to be true. But I just don't understand why people like it so much.

It's kind of scary, it's uncomfortable, and I always ended up swallowing about 2 gallons of seawater. Also, it would kill basically the whole day. We would have to boat out to some remote place and then do two or three dives, with a lunch break on some very hot island packed in there, and then I always felt kind of sick and disoriented for the next two days. And SO tired.

And look. I'm fine with doing things that wipe me out. I like physically-strenuous activities. I don't not do things just because they make me tired. But I have to really like what I'm getting out of the thing, and . . . whispering again . . . I just don't really care that much about sea animals.

Obviously I'm not talking about sea turtles, which are magical creatures and I would die for any one of them.

But y'all. You don't have to go scuba diving to see sea turtles. I've seen sea turtles just snorkeling, a much less obnoxious task in which you are probably not going to die every time you do it.

I used to go diving and we'd see a shark and everyone would be all like "HOLY SH&$ THIS IS THE BEST." I mean, they didn't say that because we were underwater, but they acted like they were thinking it and I would just be like "why are we doing this?! That's a freaking shark."

I would spend the majority of the dive time just pretending I could fly and not really paying all that much attention to the animals because after seeing one tuna you've really seen them all.

But even though I kind of dreaded it, every time someone would start organizing a dive trip I felt like I had to go. This was partly because I was becoming so anti-social #depression the longer I lived in Palau and I didn't like that trend so I was trying to force myself to participate in activities and this was the most commonly organized activity I was invited to.

So when we decided to go to Palau this year that old feeling that I need to go diving just came rushing back. I started reluctantly looking up dive tours we could book and after a few weeks of doing this and then not following through I suddenly had an epiphany.

Why am I trying to force myself to go do something I don't really enjoy? I'm a grownup. I don't have to make myself participate in hobbies that I don't value.
And it's not like I'm refusing to try a new thing. That's different. I think we should get ourselves to try new things. It's good for us.

But that's not what's happening here. This isn't a new thing. I've done this. A lot. I don't like it. I don't have to keep doing it just because it's available to me.
Have you guys ever let yourself quit something you realized you've been forcing yourself to try to enjoy? It's kind of amazing. I feel so powerful right now.

Skylar is certified as well, but he seems lukewarm about scuba diving every time I bring it up. I told him if he wants to go, I will gladly go with him while we're in Palau because I'm VERY good at marriage. But truly, I would enjoy doing it with him one time if I knew he was really enjoying it. But I'm not going to be the person who pushes us to go, so the ball is in his court and I'm really hoping he deflates it.

~It Just Gets Stranger