Kurt: Will you look at this thing behind my ear?

Eli: What do you think I am? Your doctor?

Kurt: Just look. It's freaking me out and I don't know what it is.

Eli: Ugh. Fine. But I don't do full physicals without advanced payment. I accept MasterCard, Visa, and attention. Also--

Kurt: It's right here. Can you see it?

Eli: Yes. It looks like a scratch.

Kurt: A scratch?

Eli: Maybe a very small scab.

Kurt: When did I get a scratch behind my ear?

Eli: It's your head. I'm not responsible for what happens on your head. I can't help you.

Kurt: This is exclusively my problem? I'm learning that you are very inconsistent about which of our problems are "shared" and which are not.

Eli: How dare you?! I'm very consistent.

Kurt: Take, for example, your laundry. It seems to me like that should be your problem, but--

Eli: I'm going to stop you right there. You know that I don't do laundry so this example is completely irrelevant.

Kurt: Uh.

Eli: Also, that isn't a shared problem. That one is also exclusively yours.

Kurt: Your laundry is exclusively my problem?

Eli: Let's not get bogged down in the details. But, yes.

Kurt: So, which of my problems are "shared" or belong to you exclusively?

Eli: I feed you, provide constant commentary, and offer non-intrusive physicals for an advanced fee.

Kurt: And I do laundry, listen to your constant commentary without complaining, and deal with your excessive hoarding problem?

Eli: Don't forget over-the-top compliments!

Kurt: I feel like I'm getting screwed in this whole deal.

Eli: One more complaint about it and I'll start playing in the mud. Laundry is about to become your worst nightmare.

Kurt: Hmm . . . oh my gosh. I just realized how I got this stupid scratch behind my ear!

Eli: Yeah?

Kurt: It was from when you woke me up at 6:00 in the morning by clawing at my face and meowing like a cat! Who are you?!

Eli: Oh yeah. Add that to my list of responsibilities. You're welcome, by the way.

~It Just Gets Stranger