Recently I was informed by a multitude of individuals that apparently "smelling good" is not a thing I'm good at. I'm good at a lot of things. I know the Heimlich maneuver. I can quote word-for-word the entirety of Pee Wee's Big Adventure. There's a magic trick I can get any child under age seven to be impressed with. Etc.

Before "recently," I would have included in the list of things that I'm good at, "usually smelling fine." But then that multitude of people stepped in to clarify.

Here are some quotes from people on the topic:

"You know, you usually don't smell good." Kurt

"Son. Most mothers don't care how their children smell. But I think I like you less than I could because of the odor that follows you around."  Cathie
"Sir, perhaps you would be more comfortable at the Chuck-a-Rama." Man at a restaurant that wasn't even that nice
"What's that smell?" A number of individuals on the street at various times
"Your hair looks great today." Most People Every Day
After verifying with trustworthy sources, I had to finally accept that this was a problem. And that's when I asked Jolyn what I should do about it.
Jolyn: There are three things I would really like to see you incorporate into your life.
Eli: I'm listening.
Jolyn: Showering daily.
Eli: Ok. But what if--
Jolyn: No. There isn't a "what if" on this one. That's it. Shower daily.
Eli: Even when--
Jolyn: NUMBER TWO. Wear cologne every day.
Jolyn: Eli, you can wear cologne even if you're not "going to visit the queen."
Eli: Fine. What's the third thing. And if it has to do with washing my clothes, I don't want to hear it.
Jolyn: Ugh. I just have two things then.
Jolyn and I then dance-walked from my apartment to the nearest store that sells this "cologne" substance. When we got there, I was immediately drawn to one option. I was then removed from the selection-process because "THIS ONE JUST SMELLS LIKE SOAP!"
Jolyn picked one out and we dance-walked back home for a tutorial on how to wear cologne.
This morning I was walking to the office at about 6:00AM. A man who was about FORTY feet behind me yelled, "YOUR COLOGNE SMELLS GOOD!"
I was on cloud nine.
I yelled back, "you should see me perform the Heimlich maneuver!"
~It Just Gets Stranger