Sunday, 11:30 PM, on the way to pick someone up at the airport.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over tonight?

Eli: Is it because my hair looks really good and you wanted to find out what product I use?
Cop: No.
Eli: Oh. Is it because you wanted to compliment me on my excellent driving skills?
Cop: Not exactly.
Eli: Because you have too many cookies in your car and you need to give some away before they go bad?
Cop: I pulled you over because you were going 67 in a 50. Is there any reason you were going 67 miles per hour when the speed limit is 50?

Eli: Ok, I can explain.
Cop: . . . yes? Go ahead.
Eli: Oh. I thought you were going to cut me off and not let me explain. I don't really have anything good to say.
Cop: Can I see your license and registration?
Eli: Well here's my license. And I know what you're going to say. "How are you almost THIRTY?!" Well I use this excellent eye cream and I also make sure to get plenty of sl--
Cop: Registration?
Eli: Oh. Ok. About that. I'm not totally sure what you mean when you say "registration."
Cop: What do you mean?
Eli: Just that. I don't know what "registration" is.
Cop: Sir, is this vehicle registered?
Eli: Eli.
Cop: Excuse me?
Eli: Oh you can call me Eli. You don't have to call me "sir" and I won't call you "ma'am." I think first names are much more appropriate in this situation.
Cop: Sir, is this vehicle registered?
Eli: Well I'm sure it is! That is, if it's supposed to be. I'm a very law-abiding citizen. Well, in your experience I'm not. So far our entire relationship is based on me breaking a law. Two laws if you consider the fact that I didn't use my blinker when I was pulled over. But you don't have to use the blinker when you get pulled over by a cop, right? Like, isn't this one of those "implied blinker" situations where you don't have to use it?
Cop: That's not a thing.
Eli: Oh . . . um. So to answer your question, I'm sure this vehicle is "registered."
Cop: Do you have proof of registration?
Eli: I'm sure I could get someone to testify on its behalf.
Cop: Maybe you should look in your glove box and see if the registration is in there.
Eli: Great idea! . . . Let's see . . . here's a receipt for 200 brownies I bought recently . . . and this looks like some photos my friend Jolyn and I had taken in a photo booth . . . Oh! Candy!
Cop: I just need the registration.
Eli: Ok. Here you go.
Cop: This is your insurance.
Eli: Oh. Sorry. Try this.
Cop: This is expired insurance.
Eli: Ok. How about this one?
Cop: More expired insurance.
Eli: Just to be clear, insurance and registration are not the same thing?
Cop: [sigh] wait here.
[Eli practices fake crying in the car but starts laughing within ten seconds every time and so decides to bag that plan. Then he practices saying "I AM the law!"]
Cop: Ok. I'm going to give you a citation for going five over.
Eli: Is this because of the registration thing?
Cop: No. This is because of the speeding thing.
Eli: Oh. Right. Speeding. So apparently I didn't need to have my registration?
Cop: Well actually I could give you a ticket for not having your registration but this experience has been so . . . interesting that I've decided to just let that one go.
Eli: Oh, yeah! I just remembered what I wanted to tell you! What did the policeman say to his bellybutton?
Cop: Excuse me?
Eli: You, sir, are under a vest! GET IT?! UNDER A VEST!!!
Cop: Maybe I should administer a sobriety test.
~It Just Gets Stranger