My communication to you about Tami has been a little controversial recently. Some of you have not been nearly as welcoming of Tami photos as you could be. And to be honest, Tami is a little hurt by it. She only shows the hurt through passive aggressiveness because that's just the kind of person she is. But she's hurt nonetheless.

I've been using Tami for purposes of getting attention since she came into being last week. Sometimes I use her as an excuse.

"Tami really wants you to stop talking now. I would like you to keep going. But Tami isn't as patient as me."

More often than they would like, I even text pictures of Tami to friends to remind them of her existence.

The other day this happened when I texted my childhood best friend:

He meant "dyed." But apparently he's too lazy to go back and change after using the voice function. WHICH IS WHY WE'RE FRIENDS. 

Then last week, while regaling a friend at work with stories of Tami's life, this conversation happened:

Friend: I'm not even remotely interested in ever seeing your toe again.

Eli: But--

Friend: No. You freak. This is a professional office. Nobody says a word when you hang your gym clothes to dry in the hallway. Nobody complains when you meow loudly from your office--


Friend: LET ME FINISH! And we even refrain from making fun of you when you wear your Snuggie to meetings.

Eli: Sometimes it's cold!

Friend: But for the sake of all that is holy, will you PLEASE put a freaking sock on that disgusting massacre of a foot!?

Eli: But if I can't show my coworkers what Tami looks like, who CAN I show?

Friend: Your doctor.

Eli: What now?

Friend: You can show your doctor.

Eli: Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Friend: Why are you laughing?

Eli: You say "your doctor" like I have a personal physician. This isn't a small town in 1952. I don't have a personal "doctor."

Friend: You're joking. Right?

Eli: No.

Friend: Where do you go to get a check up?

Eli: Check what now?

Friend: Like, when you need a physical.

Eli: [singing] Let's get physical! Physical! Meow meow meow meow meow--

Friend: Focus! Who do you go see when you're sick?

Eli: Um . . . the toilet?

Friend: When you break a bone?

Eli: Oh! Bob and Cathie!

Friend: When you need an x-ray?

Eli: I just put my arm in one of those thingies at the pharmacy.

Friend: What "thingy" are you talking about?

Eli: You know. The one where the air blows up the balloon and squeezes your arm.

Friend: That's not an x-ray machine. That tells you your blood pressure.


Friend: Eli. You're in your 30s now. You need to have a doctor.

Eli: I'm trying to tell you. People don't have a "doctor" anymore. There are just hospitals now and when you need help you just go to the hospital and you get randomly assigned to someone who never thinks I need to be as naked as I think I need to be BUT THEY SURE DON'T BOTHER POSTING SIGNS EXPLAINING THIS--

Friend: People do have a "doctor." I have a doctor. When I need to be seen by a medical professional, I call her office and make an appointment. She knows my history and I trust her.

Eli: Ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh. So it's like a hairstylist, but for your body.

Friend: Um. I guess.

Eli: Or like Cafe Rio but instead of burritos they listen to your heart beat.

Friend: I don't understand why we have to use analogies to explain what a doctor is.

Eli: No thanks.

Friend: No thanks what?

Eli: I don't think I'm interested in having a "doctor." It sounds like a lot of hassle.

Friend: If you go to a doctor, she will listen to you talk about Tami and she may even want to hear about Tami's recent divorce.


~It Just Gets Stranger