Last night a friend called me pretty late.
Friend: OH MY GOSH!!! I THINK I HAVE BED BUGS!!
Eli: Don't call me! What if I get them from you!
Friend: You can't get them over the phone. I'm just calling you for moral support.
Eli: Oh. In that case, let me look at everything on the Internets having to do with bed bugs.
Ok. Look. I know I tend to overreact. I know I have a bit of a problem in this area. Let's please set that all aside for a second and allow me to tell you what happened today.
In the middle of the day, I stopped by the gym, like I usually do. I had a normal workout. I did normal things. I took a shower. And then I started changing back into my work clothing. And that's when I saw it.
ONE HUNDRED BILLION BUG BITES ALL OVER AREAS THAT I CAN'T EVEN PHOTOGRAPH FOR YOU TO SEE BECAUSE NSFW!!!
I started freaking out. Panicking. Panicking like you wouldn't even understand. They should create a drug specifically meant for the panic I had today when I saw the bites. They can call it Eliphonene.
SOMEONE CONTACT PFIZER!
I was unbelievably busy today. But I couldn't focus on a thing in the office. So I immediately fast-walked home and began washing everything I owned in boiling water.
BECAUSE!!! BED BUGS!!!
You guys. WHAT IF I HAVE BED BUGS!
I didn't know where I might have obtained them. I was horrified at the thought. And then I remembered that this weekend I went CAMPING in Zion National Park.
Well, ok. It was in a cabin. With A/C. And Wifi.
BUT IT WAS STILL CAMPING.
So I began texting everyone who went to Zion with me. I asked them whether they also have bug bites.
Nic was perhaps the most helpful. (Pardon my excessive typos. I was texting in vigorous terror.)
~It Just Gets Stranger