Remember how eleventy years ago I told you that I had set up an appointment to see a REAL doctor because my friend at work told me that you aren't a grownup until you start having regular checkups with the same physician? And then when I called the doctor's office to make an appointment they were like, "our next available time is in 97 years on a Tuesday at 1:00 AM." And I was all like, "I'LL TAKE IT!"

Well my phone freaked out the other day with a notification that said, "GO TO THE DOCTOR AND KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON!" And that's when I remembered that I had made an appointment for that very day.

On a side note, I have started adding the reminder "AND KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON" to most of my calendared appointments, just to be safe. It's done wonders to help me keep my "stop unnecessarily taking my clothes off in 2014" goal.

I jumped into the car and drove to the doctor's office, practicing my introduction speech the entire way. I was incredibly nervous. Because in small towns in the movies people always have a doctor that they've seen for 45 years and the doctor knows everything about them and they can speak super candidly to each other, etc.

Well that's what I want for my life because I need lots of life advice and because I want to be able to say to someone one day "well I'll see what Dr. So-and-so has to say about this. I've been seeing her for 35 years now!"

I picked a doctor who was young so that this would be possible.

I was already off to a rough start when I found myself laughing my way through the embarrassing questions on the questionnaire they had me fill out in the waiting room. I tried to disguise the snickers as coughs, but I think I did a terrible job. And then I was called back.

Dr: Hi! I'm Dr. So-and-so.

Eli: My name is Eli McCann. It's a pleased to make your meeting. . . . uh . . . I mean . . . pleasure to meeting you. Your acquaintance. To make your pleasure of acquaintance HOW DOES THAT DAMN PHRASE GO I'M NERVOUS!

Dr: Oh, there's no reason to be nervous. All we're going to do today is get acquainted and answer any questions you have.

Eli: Well that's why I'm nervous. I REALLY want you to like me.

Dr: Ok. Why?

Eli: So we can be friends and text each other outside of the office and you can be all "ugh. You should have seen the guy who was just in here. Totes uggo." And I would be all, "LMAO!!!"

Dr: Interesting. So, why don't you tell me a little about yourself.

Eli: Well, I've never been to a doctor. Well I have. But not a doctor doctor. A while ago I had to go see a bunch of doctors that I didn't know because my heart was exploding but as it turned out I was just really stressed out because life is in session because it always is--

Dr: How about if we just start with some basic getting-to-know-you stuff? Where are you from?

Eli: Here. Well not here here. I wasn't born in this hospital. I was born in a different hospital. My mom says it was the bloodiest day of her life and has demanded that I pay her back for the cab fare--

Dr: You know what--I'm just going to go ahead and listen to your heart. You don't need to talk during this part.

[Dr. starts listening to Eli's heart]

Eli: Is it beating fast? Because I'm really nervous.

Dr: It sounds fine.

Eli: Ok. But it is enlarged so don't go thinking I'm all perfect. I have a lot of problems that need fixing.

Dr: I have no doubt. Ok. I'm just looking on my system here and it says that you've never had a flu shot. Ever. Is that true?

Eli: Yes. I don't believe in them?

Dr: Is that a question?

Eli: No. A statement. I don't believe in them.

Dr: Why not?

Eli: Because shots hurt.

Dr: Ok. I'm going to give you a flu shot unless you can give me a different reason for not believing in them.

Eli: I'm all out of reasons.

Dr: I'm also going to give you a tetanus shot because it looks like the last time you had one you were about 19.

Eli: Well why don't you just amputate all of my limbs while you're at it!

Dr: Go ahead and take off your shirt. I'll be back in a minute.

It was at this point that I had a very frantic conversation with myself wherein I tried to remember whether she had really just told me to remove my shirt. And if she did . . . does she want my shirt to be off by the time she gets back into the room or does she expect me to wait until she comes back so I can take it off in front of her.

NO! It couldn't be the latter. This isn't a strip show. Surely she thinks I'm using this time while she's out there to remove my shirt because that's a very efficient divide-and-conquer method.

And did she say "shirt" or "clothes?" Well now I can't remember. Should I leave my pants on? WHY IS THIS ALWAYS SO CONFUSING?!

By the time she came back into the room, I was shirtless and shoeless. And I think it's a good thing she came back when she did and not about 20 seconds later because as it turned out, I didn't need my pants to be off for the shots.

She gave me one in each arm and sent me on my way.

Five hours later I was shivering in bed with a 102-degree fever, and no personal cell number to text "yo doc. I'm totes dying here. Hashtag frowny face."

~It Just Gets Stranger