Rebecca: THERE ARE MURDERERS IN MY BACKYARD!!!
Rebecca: MURDERERS! MURDERERS IN MY BACKYARD!!!
Wade: Care to elaborate?
Rebecca: I heard large crashing sounds in the backyard and now I know there are murderers back there trying to kill me and I don't know what to do!
Wade: How can I help you?
Rebecca: Can you please come to my house right now? But please don't tell Eli because of that whole boy who cried wolf thing that he's always complaining about.
Wade: Uh . . . you're on speaker phone.
Eli: Hi Becky.
Rebecca: Oh. Hi! Eli. THERE ARE MURDERERS IN MY BACKYARD!!!
Eli: Yes. I heard.
Rebecca: How did you hear? Who told you?
Eli: Do you not understand how speaker phone works?
Rebecca: Don't make fun of me right now. I'm in a very dangerous situation. I'm a vulnerable half-French single woman in an old house and THERE ARE MURDERERS IN MY BACKYARD.
Eli: Ok. Well we can't help you. There's a Harry Potter marathon on right now and there are two hours left of the last movie.
Wade: Don't listen to him Rebecca. We'll be right over.
Eli: This must be your first rodeo, Wade.
Rebecca: Don't listen to him, Wade! This is EXACTLY why I asked you not to tell him about this call, which you apparently did anyway!
Eli: HOW ARE WE STILL HAVING CONFUSION ABOUT THE SPEAKER PHONE!??!
[Three minutes later, Eli and Wade, both barefoot, arrive at Rebecca's house and walk right on in.]
Rebecca: I'm so relieved you guys are here! I am just beside myself! There are--
Wade and Eli: Murderers in your backyard. We know.
Rebecca: I've done everything I could to secure the home but I need someone to go outside and check on things.
Eli: Hardly! The front door was unlocked and slightly ajar!
Rebecca: Really? Oh, I must have left it open from when I got home several hours ago.
Eli: THE BACK DOOR ISN'T EVEN LOCKED!
Rebecca: I was very distraught! I didn't have time to do everything!
Eli: LOCKING THE DOORS WAS THE BARE MINIMUM OF THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE!
Wade: Yeah. If you didn't lock the doors, what did you do?
Rebecca: I called you and then I turned the light on in the kitchen.
Eli: Ok. Where are the "murderers."
Rebecca: First of all, the finger quotes are unnecessary. Second, they are walking around the backyard.
Eli: Did you see them?
Eli: So why do you think there are murderers back there?
Rebecca: Because I heard a loud crash.
Eli: And this led you to believe that people who kill other people are in your backyard.
Eli: That's your logical conclusion.
Eli: What kind of crashing sound did you hear?
Rebecca: Like, um . . . cymbals. Like in a drum set.
Wade: Maybe it's band practice?
Rebecca: No, because I didn't hear any other instrument sounds. So I think it's murderers.
Eli: I am very interested in this logic tree you've built.
[Rebecca, Eli, and Wade then walk into the backyard together with flashlights.]
Eli: Becky, remember when you moved into this house and I talked to you about taking care of your yard?
Rebecca: Yes. I still have some emotional scars from that.
Eli: Apparently not enough. Why is the grass back here at knee-length?
Rebecca: I don't know! I mowed it like a week ago!
Eli: Unless you have a nuclear power plant back here that recently melted down, there is no way in hell you mowed this a week ago.
Rebecca: I did! Wade can vouch for me! He came over right after I finished mowing!
Wade: Becky, that was in March.
Rebecca: Oh my. Time is getting away from me.
Eli: Ok. Are you sufficiently satisfied that there are no murderers back here.
Rebecca: Oh yeah. I think the sound came from next door. How silly of me to think it was murderers!
Eli: Wade, I want you to take note of this.
Rebecca: Thanks for coming by!
Eli: You are a complication in my life.
Rebecca: I know. But you guys are going to miss me when I leave on Friday.
Eli and Wade: Yes.
~It Just Gets Stranger
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