Matt has decided to move away from us, which is absolutely a hate crime and an act of terror. He sprung the news on us a few months ago.
"I'm buying a house in Las Vegas because I hate you and refuse to consider your happiness as I make my big life decisions."
Ok, he didn't say that last part out loud but that's what I heard nevertheless.
Obviously we are not pleased with Matt leaving us, but we are even more not pleased with his outrageously unfair decision to take Mr. Ollie Pants with him. Ollie has tried to remain neutral in the matter because he doesn't like to see humans at war, but I'm certain he's devastated about the whole thing.
The move is happening at the end of the month and since Matt already sold his house in Salt Lake City, he has taken up residence in our basement temporarily. Or so he thinks because he doesn't know we've purchased chains and an incredible amount of dungeon equipment that should keep him in place for many years to come.
He showed up over the weekend with a bed he decided he doesn't want to take with him on his move of betrayal. We spent the better part of the evening folding a queen sized mattress in half and shoving it down the narrow set of stairs in my house that was built for malnourished 19th century pioneers. Now he's spending the week cleaning stuff and fixing shit in an effort to fool us into not being mad at him. And we hate that this is working.
I really only have myself to blame for this mess. Just before the beginning of These Unprecedented Times I foolishly decided to set Matt up with my friend Jace. I met Jace many years ago when we were both totes straight and into sports games and trucks bro. We sort of lost touch and then last year I found out he was a raging homo so I immediately set him up with the only other gay I know.
I knew they'd be a good match for many reasons. The main ones: both are responsible and quietly non-dramatic and too pretty for their own damn good.
But I didn't realize they were going to immediately fall in love and then decide that they needed to start a new life together in Satan's butt crack.
I tried to inform them that it's very hot down there but they said they already knew that and that this was basically the reason they wanted to move there. That, and because Matt's childhood best friend Gabby lives there and she and I have quietly been in a very brutal human tug-of-war for many years. One which she has apparently now won.
I met Matt just before I came out. He's been like family to me (and to my family) ever since. I love the hell out of him and don't tell him I said this, but I'm outrageously happy that he has found so much happiness and I'm even probably happy for him that he's so excited about moving and starting a new chapter.
But I'm not going to let him know it until he paints my garage.
P.S. Please enjoy this week's Strangerville:
This time in Strangerville, Meg and Eli are pro Big Brother and hereby welcome government surveillance into their lives. Also, a woman finds herself in a bind when her mother sets her up for a sleepover with a girl from school she barely knows.
Sleepover, by LRE (music by Ayla Nereo)
Production by Eli McCann, Meg Walter, & The Beehive
~It Just Gets Stranger